I will be the first person to admit my love of Cheetos. But the thing about the little orange snack is that it’s really quite a dangerous decision if you choose to eat them. You see, because nobody wants to be around that person who is eating (or even just ate) Cheetos. Firstly, if they’re still chomping away, chances are that most of their existence is covered in a fine layer of orange dust, namely their finger tips. God help you if you have to shake someone’s hand in the middle of or after partaking in the Cheetos. Also, there is no clean or non-messy way to eat them, much like buffalo wings (actually, now that i think about it, most orange colored foods tend to be messy… except for carrots of course).
The other thing is that, no matter what you do, you simply cannot hide the fact that you just ate Cheetos. Somehow other people will always know. But in an attempt to help you try to get away with it, here are a few tells that give it away:
1) check your pants. the first mistake of all Cheetos lovers is wiping their orange fingers on their pants. while this is good for getting the dust off your fingertips (especially jeans) there will almost always be an orange streak or two on your pants. be sure to check all over; the backs of your thighs, the insides, behind the knees, EVERYWHERE… there’s no telling where those dirty little fingers will roam.
2) check your molars. as omnivorous creatures, usually when we chew food (in preparation for digestion) the food tends to get stuck in the backs of our molars. usually this isn’t that big of a deal, but Cheetos are ORANGE… thus making your teeth orange, more or less. so, if you open your mouth at all, those puppies are like little beacons proclaiming to the world that you just had some tasty, cheesy goodness. try flossing and/or chewing gum.
Basically just be careful. Because, to reiterate, nobody wants to be around someone who just ate Cheetos. It’s a weighty decision to make. Your best bet, i’ve found, is to just enjoy them alone. And remember, although most people enjoy the sultry and crunchy goodness of Cheetos, you will be chastised and singled out if you are discovered or show any sign of having eaten Cheetos. Hopefully these tips will help you keep your dirty, orange little secret.
Of course, if you’re sick of hiding you can always turn the tables and use Cheetos as your weapon, as seen in this commercial. But, please, use caution… i’ve seen their power turn the greatest of men into nothing but overzealous criminals…
Well i just read on DrudgeReport that supposedly Guns N’ Roses is talking to 2 major retailers (namely Best Buy and WalMart) about releasing their 14-year-in-the-making (and $13,000,000) studio record “Chinese Democracy” exclusively at one of the stores worldwide. Reuters explains that these are more “concrete signs” that the album will in fact come out.
One can only hope that it comes out before December 31st so that we all get a free can of Dr. Pepper. Well, everyone except for Slash, that is. But Slash doesn’t quite care. And i’m with him, because i don’t quite care either. I mean, don’t get me wrong, i enjoy Dr. Pepper as much as the next guy. But do i give a rat’s ass about “Chinese Democracy”? The answer is no, not at all. I’ll rock out to “Welcome to the Jungle” every so often if it comes on the radio. But all in all, i just don’t give a shit about Guns N’ Roses. And quite frankly, it amazes me that people want to hear this new album so bad. Does everybody love Axl Rose that much? I mean last time we saw him was at, like, the 2002 VMA’s, as far as i can remember, right? And he didn’t really sound so great, in my opinion.
So, i say great… release the album… release it soon… but only because i want my free Dr. Pepper, not because i want to hear the damn thing. If anything, i hope it totally flops and/or doesn’t really measure up to everyone’s expectations of it so that Axl Rose can get over himself and just go away.
(side note: i do not mean to offend any GNR fans nor fans of Axl Rose. if you like the band, great, but can’t we just let it go and move on already? does anyone really care that much about Chinese Democracy? i mean, really??)
So, straight-up, i have a problem with the new McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich.
Firstly, i tried it and hated it. I guess i just don’t see what is so exciting about a “buttery roll” (the difference between a normal hamburger bun? i have no idea) a piece of breaded chicken and 3 pickles. Honestly, is that really even a legitimate sandwich? I tried it when it first came out and i thought it was awful. Somehow my roommates think it’s great (although, they both pick off the pickles, thus leaving them with bread and a chicken patty).
But i find it very interesting that McDonald’s then chose to make it into a breakfast sandwich by putting it on a biscuit. I’m sorry, but i have never ever heard of anyone ever even considering chicken as a feasible breakfast meat. Chicken for breakfast?? seriously? I mean, granted i am a proudly raised southern-new england boy, so maybe my geography plays a part in my ignorance to this concept. But don’t try to make it hip when you know you just had way to many frozen chicken patties lying around so you tried to market it as a “non-conformist” new way to have breakfast (as seen here):
Additionally, i’d like to point out that it seems like McDonald’s is just blatantly and unabashedly targeting minorities these days. i mean, with no hesitation at all. Also, what’s with this olypmics commercial for the southern style chicken sandwich? Don’t even think for a second that you can convince me that OLYMPIC ATHLETE’S are eating McDonald’s. Seriously, just don’t even try…
So, i’m currently watching the bottom of the 7th inning of the Sox game right now (where our new knuckle-baller AAA Pawsox playter Zink allowed a 10-0 game get to 12-10 TEX before the 5th inning) and i decided that this game is too excrutiating and stressful to watch, so i figured i would check out some news on the internets…
Primarily i go to the BBC for news about my own country as well as the world because i’m fairly confident that i can trust it, more or less, so let’s start there…
‘Paris Anti-semitic T-shirt probe’: apparently some Paris clothing company was selling shirts to people that had a vintage german text imprinted on them that read “Jews forbidden from entering the park”. Firstly, who the hell screen prints a shirt like that? and secondly, who the fuck buys that? well, in response to the latter, the BBC reports that apparently-
The neighbourhood of Belleville in eastern Paris has been the site of ongoing scuffles between groups of Jewish youngsters and youths of North African origin.
who knew, right?
‘Russia and Georgia agree on truce’: Oh, thanks, Russia, for ending your vehement 5 day rampage of Georgian civilians after Sarkozy had to basically take you through anger management (holding your hand) and tell you to stop being a fucking asshole.
‘Protesters gather at Stiller film’: So, people are protesting the new film Tropic Thunder, featuring Ben Stiller, Robert Downey Jr., and Jack Black, because they supposedly “humiliate people with intellectual disabilites” and “use… the word 15 or more times” because Stiller plays a character who played a character in a pretend movie called “Simple Jack” where the pretend character was retarded. Did anyone else see I Am Sam? Was that not offensive towards mentally challenged people? Also, DID ANYONE SEE STEPBROTHERS?!?! THEY USED THE WORD “FAGGOT” IN THERE ABOUT 15 TIMES, TOO! I didn’t see any Gay Rights’ protestors at the premier of that film! (For the record i thought Stepbrothers was hysterical and a great flick, despite the overusage of the derrogatory sexist gay slur).
Finally, ‘Phelps wins 4th Olympic gold…“: Has anyone else been watching Michael Phelps in the Beijing Olympics?! That fucking guys either has gills or is a traditionally trained aquatic robot-ninja. Also, the men’s gymnastic team was fucking phenomenal, in case you missed that.
So, i work here in Boston at Baja Betty’s Burrito’s. Actually, we’re technically in Brookline. And that being so, our fiercest competitor is Anna’s Taqueria. Anna’s is the more hip mexican restaurant between Coolidge Corner and Allston on Harvard St. where college kids flock to get their 2-week-old crusty bean and bland tomato burrito’s at more affordable prices. Yes, Anna’s is cheaper than Betty’s. Thus more popular.
However i’ve been bored lately at work (since not many people are coming in prepared to drop good money (roughly $8-$10) on a GOOD burrito) and i was taking a look at “the books”, you know where all our sales numbers are recorded. Betty’s has been open for 12 long years in the very same spot. Last summer our owner made minimal profit, which ended up going back into the place to spruce it up this past winter (especially when our other owner left to start a spin-off store in Kendall Square, which i am told is much like Betty’s only much much worse– i like to think of it as the Joannie Loves Chachi to our Happy Days).
But this summer we did really good business and my boss should theoretically be pulling in a few grand in profit. But, sadly, he is not. Why, you ask? Because of the outrageous food costs in our dwindling American economy, that’s why. Now, i am not a man who possesses any glimmer or reflection of financial intelligence, and most of the problems involving money are right over my head (i mean, hell, my mom handles my student loans and just tells me when i need to pay money post-college). But it seems pretty absurd that we can’t make a dime’s worth of profit while ordering lemons that are almost $80 a case or cheese for almost $100 a case!
And yet people still have the nerve to come in and complain like fucking ungracious whining/teething babies that we don’t have carne esada (in their defense, just about all our clientele is pregnant bitches in their late twenties)… we don’t have it because we can’t afford it!!!
This past weekend my roommate and i took a pilgrimage all the way out to California (from Boston) to attend the 30th Annual International Gilroy Garlic Festival. It was absolutely fantastic and totally worth the trip. We sampled lots of incredible foods such as: garlic chicken stir fry, garlic pepper steak sandwiches, fried garlic calamari, garlic roasted corn on the cob, and lots more!
I think what surprised us the most was the magnitude of the festival. There must have been at least 20,000 people there. The festival grounds were only 20 minutes from our hotel in San Jose, yet took us 2 hours to get to because of traffic. It was nuts.
We took some videos of the event, which i will be sure to post up once i edit them and whatnot.
However, if you ever get a chance to get out to Gilroy, CA for this annual extravaganza, i strongly encourage that you go check it out. I can honestly say that i’ve never seen anything quite like it.
So, unfortunately, i have just discovered tonight a fantastic blog, Waiter Rant, which i wish i had heard about sooner. However, supposedly it regularly narrates the day-to-day life of an anonymous NYC waiter and the agonies, triumphs, hardships, and foibles of being… well… a waiter! And honestly, who hasn’t been a waiter at some point in there life? It’s the working man’s work.
Well anyway, i guess this mysterious gentleman is putting out a book, Waiter Rant: Thanks For The Tip - Confessions Of A Cynical Water!, and allegedly it has an introduction by one of my heroes, the great Anthony Bourdain. And although i love his book, Kitchen Confidential, i think it lacks an exploration of the front-of-the-house (and understandably so, as Tony is the man behind the scenes; a chef among cooks). I’m looking forward to it, to say the least.
So check out his blog and perhaps even pick up the book when it comes out.
i don’t know if you guys remember the commercials for “Muzzy“, the cartoon for children (only $10.95) which teaches them virtually any foreign language you want them to learn. as we all know, the American educational system sucks at teaching foreign language, thus Muzzy is basically the kid version of Rosetta Stone (that fucking shit that has a kiosk in every fucking mall in America), which obviously doesn’t work as well since i haven’t seen a Muzzy commercial since the mid-90’s.
But recently i was watching some Muzzy on YouTube, you know for shits and giggles, and i found that Muzzy, that furry green monster you see above, is in fact an alien from outer space who eats time. this video shows, within the first 2 minutes, Muzzy flying in an extra-terrestrial space craft snacking on a bag of little clocks. (also you might learn a little German, although i did not whatsoever):
so, what is Muzzy really trying to say? is it just a child-friendly way to teach foreign language skills? what is the significance of an illegal green hairy alien eating time and influencing the minds of children? i don’t know… i’ll let you decide. i’ll say this, however… i’m starting to support the Bush administration’s Mexican wall idea. that Muzzy fucker is scary.
The one and only time i was actually swayed by an infomercial was about a month ago when i saw a commercial for the lovely little product called “ShamWow!”. If you don’t know what i’m talking about then here’s the jist of it:
Well, a friend and i were so convinced that it was a truly legitimate and fantastic product that we ordered some. But when it arrived we were left in utter disappointment. If you watch the full commercial it shows this charasmatic New Yorker guy soaking up cola from under a carpet without even pushing down. That’s bogus… i tried it myself. my carpet has a lovely brown stain on the corner now. Even after punching the ShamWow on top of it. It is really the most ineffective towel i’ve ever used. It hardly absorbs anything, honestly. It does not dry my arms with one quick sweep. It is not effortless to use. It shrinks to 1/3 it’s size if you put it in the dryer. It will NOT replace paper towels (because you will still need to use them to wipe up the rest of the liquid that the ShamWow didn’t get). And, all in all, it sucks. Save yourself the trouble and don’t buy this thing.
okay so everyone is talking about Heath Ledger, with The Dark Knight coming out in theaters tonight at midnight. And a lot of people are saying “Oh, well, i heard he was fantastic in it… he should get the oscar.” Are you kidding? I mean, sure, maybe he’ll be spectacular as the Joker, but let’s all go decide for ourselves, okay? I mean, who knows what other movies will come out this year. we still have like 8 months left until the Oscars, people. I mean did James Dean get automatically nominated for Oscars when he died before “East Of Eden” and “Giant” came out? okay, well, yeah he did. But that’s because he’s fucking James Dean. But Brandon Lee didn’t even get an award for “The Crow” and some retard actually shot him with a real gun and killed him while they were filming!!!
Alls i’m saying is, let’s not reserve this Oscar for Heath just because he’s dead. There’s no doubt in my mind that he’s going to be great. Will his performance as the Joker be quite as good as his performance of a gay dude? Maybe. But Jakey ain’t there to hold his hand this time. Let’s see for ourselves and leave it at that for now, shall we?
