I’m wearing a tie, Phelps gets high, Fairey lies, MacAir bye bye, and other examples of assonance

well, i’m killing time in my college’s computer lab and i look rather dapper, as today i was at my lovely new internship at Boston Magazine. everyone here seems to be looking at me like i’m very important or something. well, I AM! gawker.com says that unpaid interns are the future! i hope they’re right.

in other news… have you seen this photo yet? every where i turn it’s there! yeah, it’s America’s golden boy (haha get it?) Michael Phelps ripping a bong. i don’t care about the circumstances of this debauchery, for it really doesn’t affect me. HOWEVER, it is pretty funny that he kinda sorta got 8 kids arrested for it. personally, partying with the Phelps-meister doesn’t sound all too thrilling. but if given the opportunity i probably would, just like if someone offered me human… i’d try a bite. what? you wouldn’t??

on a different note, i stumbled upon sony’s new Vaio P, which is their new netbook (that’s right, it’s not a notebook, people. we have a hip new word for these things now). and guess what! it’s only like 8 inches big. and it’s about as heavy as a banana. gizmodo informs me that while it may not be the best for streaming YouTube videos or using photoshop, it sure as hell is a pretty functional all-around computer. and that’s good enough for me. finally maybe people will realize why this piece of shit is.. well.. a piece of shit:

to wrap up: i can’t help but feel like this Shepard Fairey fella is a douchebag. i mean, firstly, he quite obviously stole that Obama image from AP for his now famous ‘Hope’ andywarhol-knockoff (gosh those college kids love their t-shirts). then he had the nerve to sue THEM before they could sue him. and then, when he was arrested and tried in Boston last week on grafitti charges, he plead not guilty. so… you’re a street artist? orrrr you’re not? own up to your shit, man.

that’s all. thanks for reading.

Ain’t No Day Like A Snow Day

well, it’s snowing here in Boston. school is cancelled. other stuff is cancelled, too. and for once it seems like Boston was prepared for snow. unlike the last few winters (i like to call them ‘snowpocalypse’ due to the massive traffic jams, devestating ice injuries, and a myriad of city-wide auto accidents). i’m glad we’ve got our shit together this winter. i mean, with an average annual snowfall of 42 inches it makes sense. this IS New England, afterall.

so, beer in hand, i keep warm in my Snuggie and read the news:

first of all, THIS GUY IS AN IDIOT. according to him, Tom Brady, our beloved Patriots Quarterback (or at least he used to be), has “gone soft.” some retard with the Associated Press put out a picture of him and Giselle, his supermodel woman, where she is feeding him or something. to quote Mr. Shaughnessy “Aliens have taken over Tom Brady’s body.” honestly, dude? really? because he’s chillin with his foxy girlfriend? who do you think you are? you just wish you had a supermodel feeding you by a pool in Mexico.

nextly (that’s a word i made up, but i’m trying to get it to catch on), have you heard about Wikipedia changing their whole dillio and enforcing revision/editing before anything is added to the site? apparently this is a “radical” change for them, but i don’t really see the big deal. i mean, every time i make a Wikipedia article about myself and my many feats of superhuman glory (walking on Mars, travelling through time, banging Beyonce, inventing headphone-earmuffs, etc..) they just take it down in a day or two anyway. oh well. maybe, at the very least, i’ll be allowed to cite Wikipedia in my college research papers as a primary source. a guy can dream, right?

finally, much to my delight, POLAROID FILM IS COMING BACK! for a while back there, they (you know… “the man”) were going to discontinue the production of Polaroid film since the only people who use Polaroid cameras after 1989 are crime scene investigators and indie hipsters.  some Austrian dude just couldn’t let go of his beloved ancient photography artifact and decided to do something about it. so he started Polaroid.net and has some kind of very vague and unclear “project” to save the medium. whatever. it’ll still be $14.99 for 10 sheets of it. and my scanner still won’t scan them without some kind of attitude.

that’s it i guess. enjoy the snow, Boston. i hope something mildly happens on the Real World Brooklyn happens tonight. (p.s. expect a post about the RW BKLN some time in the near future).

High School sucks… unless you’ve got the right soundtrack (and i’m not talking about this High School Musical crap)

hello. it’s been a while. how are you? me? oh, i’m just fine. thanks for asking. you know, normally, i would be inclined to write a holiday-themed blog entry right about now… but i’m not going to. because i haven’t been thinking much about the holidays these days. well, that is to say, not nearly as much as i’ve been thinking about high school recently. i don’t know why, but it’s been on the brain.

and i got to thinking about the most important part of highschool. no, it’s not the extracurriculars or the fads or the embarrassing moments at social gatherings and formal dances. no, my friends. i think that the most important part of high school (you know, the 4 years that shape the rest of your life, as the grownups like to say) is the records you listened to. the records that undeniably changed your life. i’ve thought long and hard about this… and these are my top 5 (in chronological order):

#1) “Blue Skies, Broken Hearts… Next 12 Exits” by The Ataris.

yes, it was a simpler time. a time before iPods. a time where you had a Sony Discman and a stupid little leather cd booklet holding your cd’s. and, yes, i brought it to school. every day. for 3 years while i silently carpooled with the captain of the football team. who never spoke to me. especially not in school. but, i digress..  this record is incredible. i listened to it just about every morning. i loved the ataris when i was a freshman. in my computer class i made a fansite for them. this record has EVERYTHING a 13 year old boy could want. even if songs like “i won’t spend another night alone” aren’t exactly applicable to your prepubescent life just yet. it got me through those teenage heartbreaks more times than i can remember. it’s just perfect. it’s great. the end.

#2) “Everynight Fireworks” by Hey Mercedes.

i’ll say it right now and i’ll stick by it til the day i die: I LIKE HEY MERCEDES A MILLION TIMES MORE THAN I EVER LIKED BRAID. that’s an understatement, actually, because i LOVE hey mercedes. maybe Braid was just before my time. it’s very possible. i mean, god, i’m only 21 years old. what do you want from me!? but this record, god help me, was the single most pivotal album of my high school life. you want to know the exact moment when it changed me forever? listen to “eleven to your seven” (track 5) at exactly 3:10. i tear up EVERY FUCKING TIME i hear those distorted distant drums behind Bob Nanna’s sultry voice; a voice that spoke to me more than any voice i ever heard before. you listen to those 10 seconds of drums in that song and tell me it doesn’t hit you like a ton of bricks to your face. i dare you.

#3) “Something To Write Home About” by The Get Up Kids.

if this album ISN’T in your top 5 high school records then you have obviously failed at life and are now a mechanic in your father’s garage or something (nothing against mechanics or anything, but, well, hopefully you get my gist). yes, i’ll say it, this is the record that, in my mind, is the quintessential pivotal record of the “emo” generation. whether you like the word “emo” or not… this record IS emo. and that’s exactly why i love it. my love for this record culminated at the Worcester Palladium when i saw the Get Up Kids on their very last tour. i was in the front row when they played “i’m a loner, dottie… a rebel.” i sang that song, with the other thousand people there, as if my life depended on it. i couldn’t talk for a week after that concert. this record gave ME something to write home about, although i never really wrote home ever in my life. BUT! if i did! i credit this album for having something to write home about. it changed the way i looked at everything. it made me feel okay about not having a valentine or being dumped or liking girls. all of it. thanks you, Get Up Kids. thank you so much.

#4) “Give Up” by The Postal Service.

i don’t have all that much to say about this record. i can sum up its importance to me pretty succinctly. firstly, i lost my virginity to this record. my first “serious” relationship was in 11th grade. i “stayed home sick” one day. okay, yeah, i faked sick and stayed home. she snuck over. we did it. that was the day. i used to know the date but now i hate that bitch so i’ve erased that day from my memory. but i remember that the actual penetration occurred during “we will become silhouettes.” say what you will. but that’s what i remember. also, i love this record. it’s wonderful. there isn’t a single thing i would ever change about this album. the other thing about this album, which i think goes for a lot of people around my age, is that it turned me on to Death Cab For Cutie (their record “Transatlanticism” had just come out around that time, which is truly the most boner-riffic album ever, but unfortunately did not make this top 5 list). subsequently, this record is responsible for my love of Ben Gibbard, who i will probably always believe is one of the most important songwriters of my generation along with Jeff Tweedy from Wilco.

#5) “The Illusion Of Safety” by Thrice.

this album doesn’t necessarily follow my chronological pattern. it has been in my heart since 10th grade. it was… EVERYTHING to me. i listened to this record, with much credit to my older brother who gave it to me one fond autumn evening, all the fucking time. when shit went down in my life–the parental frustration, the teen angst, the confusion of growing up in general–this was the only album that was really there for me. i can remember so many times being in my bedroom and puching pillows and screaming in my room. this album, still to this day, helps me get all the frustration and anger out of my system. years later i would continue listening to Thrice RELIGIOUSLY and eventually get a Thrice tattoo on the back on my right arm. they are my favorite band of all time, and it’s all because of how much this album means to me. The Illusion Of Safety IS COREY MAJOR… in every way. and i wouldn’t be the same without it.

well, that was high school for me. in a nutshell, i suppose. i have a 3-way tie for a runner up that didn’t make the list (because these 3 records i found at exactly the same time and LOVED so much… and still do of course). those records are “Wiretap Scars” by Sparta, “I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love…” by My Chemical Romance, and “Worship and Tribute” by Glassjaw”. but those we shall save for another time perhaps. that’s a different story altogether.

Halloween, Prostitution, Stories, Loveline, and so much more!!

So this weekend was Halloween weekend. And i cannot express just how fucking glad i am that it’s over. However, i did rather enjoy it this time, because my parents threw a big kegger back home in Rhode Island. That was great. But i hate Halloween. I especially hate it here in Boston. As my Symbolic Logic professor told me today, “Yeah, Halloween fucking sucks in Boston. There weren’t even any fires.” Supposedly Halloween in Michigan (especially Detroit) back in the 80’s was far superior and makes Boston look like the one big pussy with a half-assed, last-minute costume.

Speaking of costumes, i actually had one this year. I read a pretty great article on Gawker about the 5 Costumes You Meet at a Halloween Party. I was #4, the “seriously scary”. I thought it came out pretty good. Although, i am still trying to wash all the blood and makeup off my face.

I met a freelance feature writing this week in my Magazine Writing class. He writes BS for airline magazines. I have come to the conclusion that being a writer will amount to nothing. That is, unless i just agree to sell myself for whatever i can get. Once you accept prostitution, life ain’t so bad.

I wrote some new short stories this week which can be read HERE if you feel so inclined.

Also, i was a special guest on Emmanuel College Radio‘s Loveline this past Monday. And i will continue to be EVERY MONDAY NIGHT @10PM (except for tonight. So, again, if you feel like you need some love advice or just want to get something off your chest, tune in (on the internet from any computer!) and IM us live in the studio (s/n= emmanuelradio).

Who Will Survive (And What Will Be Left Of Us)?

I am an avid fan of crosswords. I do, on a regular basis, the crosswords of The Boston Globe, The Metro, and The Dig. I even save all the puzzles that i finish, which amount to about one a month, which is a big deal for me. So, when i read this article i said to myself, “OMFGZ! I totally noticed this recently, too!”

(From Politico.com) “Times puzzle is clueless about McCain”:

“Crossword puzzles heavily favor Democrats… According to the puzzle database maintained by Cruciverb.com, ever since that game-changing day in 2005, OBAMA has appeared regularly as an answer in New York Times crossword puzzles.”

I’m not even going to get into the “Crosswords favor Democrats” line (because let’s face it, Republicans do Sudoku, duh), but i have to say that OBAMA has definitely been an answer maybe a dozen times in puzzles over the past few months.

Oh, and “Wal-Mart to cut global plastic bag waste 33 pct”??? Really!? How’s about… Wal-Mart cuts exploitation of minority and underprivileged workers? How about, oh i dunno, Wal-Mart stops monopolizing and subsequently stops the systematic destruction of the small-business honest American workingman/woman? Plastic bags: great, let’s get rid of that shit. But in terms of human ethics… I’d say you got some other more pressing shit to reevaluate, Wal-Mart.

Also from the wonderful Politico.com, i found this gem that apparently “Students [are] encouraged to be involved in community“. I, after a thorough (yet cursory) glance at the article must say that no matter what party (or even if it’s both) is fucking urging college kids to be a part of the “community”, i have a heads up: WE ARE A PART OF THE “COMMUNITY”. WE’RE EDUCATING OURSELVES TO TAKE BACK THE COMMUNITY THAT SOMEHOW HAS BEEN LOST AND/OR TAKEN AWAY FROM US OVER THE PAST 2 OR 3 DECADES. And, yes, we’re drinking beer and having sex while we do it.

Bush urged students to find opportunities for volunteering rather than focus solely on pursuing a profitable career.

Okay, if this is true, which i realize is indeed somewhat factual, i think what a lot of people are missing is that kids are going to college to “pursue profitable careers” because of the way they have been socialized and taught to believe in the validity and necessity of global capitalism and consumerism when that has brought us, in essence, nothing but problems such as war, poverty, complete class division, and the deterioration of what was once referred to as the American Dream.

As the great Thomas Hobbes once wrote, “Such is the nature of men, that howsoever they may acknowledge many others to be more witty, or more eloquent, or more learned; yet they will hardly believe there be many so wise as themselves,” we the students, the unappreciated scholars, the youth of the world will show and teach each other once again what it is to be a civil society.

Also, i heard someone mention something about a recession and/or economic crisis? I dunno about that one… sounds like a bunch of malarchy to me.

So, i was reading the news again today…

And i found some pretty crazy shit.

Namely, FOXNews reported that supposedly Homeland Security has developed technology that can “read minds”, which of course is their new psychological, wizardry-way of detecting terrorist threats. They call it “Future Attribute Screening Technology,” or FAST for short. And naturally FOXNews wants to remind us that terrorist only attack with airplanes. Right, America?

So, how does it work exactly, you ask?

It has a series of sensors and imagers that read your body temperature, heart rate and respiration for unconscious tells invisible to the naked eye — signals terrorists and criminals may display in advance of an attack.

but don’t worry, if your stressed out about your spouse finding out you’re cheating on them, or your bad gas from that airport mexican food, or just plain old scared of flying,  “FAST isn’t fooled. It’s already good enough to tell the difference between a harried traveler and a terrorist. Even if you sweat heavily by nature, FAST won’t mistake you for a baddie.” Oh, good, they’ve thought of everything. Ever see that movie, Minority Report? I want to know where they found all the bald, naked, psychic clone-children for all those airports!

Michael Cera plays Michael Cera.. Again!

So is it just me (and i’m pretty sure it’s not) or is Michael Cera truly just a one-trick pony? This new movie, “Nick And Norah’s Infinite Playlist”, seems like a sequel to both (the darling indie film of 2007) “Juno” and the college sensation that was “Superbad”.

In all honesty, i thought Cera was great in Arrested Development (a show that i never bothered to pay even the slightest bit of attention to until a couple months ago). But, let’s face it, he plays George Michael no matter what he’s doing. It’s always the same thing.

And i just don’t get why we (as an enthusiastic cinema-going American society) keep casting him as that same god damn character in every indie movie conceived in the last 2 years. It’s just rediculous. You want to talk about this new “Big Bang Machine” that almost kinda/sorta destroyed the very fabric of time and space as we know it? I say we talk about Michael Cera instead. Let’s fear for our lives because of him, not this mini-blackhole-creepy-crawlers-easy-bake-oven thinger.

If anything, Michael Cera will undo the very fabric of the universe unless we stop casting Michael Cera in shitty indie films. Napoleon Dynamite is over, guys. Can we stop trying to copy that weird indie-film, pseudo-Wes-Anderson film format? And for christ’s sake let’s stop throwing Michael Cera into any fucking role that is basically a resemblance of the George Michael character from AD. I mean, really, is he any better than that douchebag Hayden Christiansen? Let’s throw Cera into a new failed attempt at continuing the Star Wars saga. Why not? He can be our new Jar Jar Binks.

Yo, Cera, go get naked with a horse in an off-broadway play like that Harry Potter kid. Maybe at least try to convince people that you have some semblance of range, eh?

Bloc Party: How it all went terribly wrong.

I remember back in 2005 when Bloc Party’s Silent Alarm was, without question, the best record of the year. Even my very own Emmanuel College Radio voted it as the greatest record of 2005 after a sizeable poll of the student body. As far as college radio goes, it was the end all be all. We were blown away; everyone was.

And then a bunch of DJ’s and bands did remixes and covers of every song, and they released Silent Alarm Remixed and even that was still incredible.

And then they released A Weekend In The City in 2007. Around the same time their singer, Kele Okereke, came out. And that was fine. You know, no big deal. Didn’t come as much of a surprise. Although, i was a little disappointed when i realized that all my favorite love songs on Silent Alarm which i thought were about girls, were in fact about other men. Kind of changes all those mix CD’s i made for girls to try to get them in bed to a small degree. But, you know, Weekend wasn’t a terrible record.

But just last month i found that their new record Intimacy leaked on the web. I listened to it. Four times. It was okay. Wasn’t anything special. At least half the songs on the record i could do without. It was far from the record that i heard back in 2005 that made me cry, laugh, dance, and truly enjoy music all over again.

Just now i saw a music video on Fuse for their song “Mercury” from the new record. I don’t think there is a worse song they could have chosen. Nothing about it makes sense. The song and the fucking absurd video for it are just so rediculous.

What happened? Where did everything go so terribly wrong? I shed a tear for you, Bloc Party.. for you and for the ghost of a great band that i used to know…

The Thing About Cheetos Is…

I will be the first person to admit my love of Cheetos. But the thing about the little orange snack is that it’s really quite a dangerous decision if you choose to eat them. You see, because nobody wants to be around that person who is eating (or even just ate) Cheetos. Firstly, if they’re still chomping away, chances are that most of their existence is covered in a fine layer of orange dust, namely their finger tips. God help you if you have to shake someone’s hand in the middle of or after partaking in the Cheetos. Also, there is no clean or non-messy way to eat them, much like buffalo wings (actually, now that i think about it, most orange colored foods tend to be messy… except for carrots of course).

The other thing is that, no matter what you do, you simply cannot hide the fact that you just ate Cheetos. Somehow other people will always know. But in an attempt to help you try to get away with it, here are a few tells that give it away:

1) check your pants. the first mistake of all Cheetos lovers is wiping their orange fingers on their pants. while this is good for getting the dust off your fingertips (especially jeans) there will almost always be an orange streak or two on your pants. be sure to check all over; the backs of your thighs, the insides, behind the knees, EVERYWHERE… there’s no telling where those dirty little fingers will roam.

2) check your molars. as omnivorous creatures, usually when we chew food (in preparation for digestion) the food tends to get stuck in the backs of our molars. usually this isn’t that big of a deal, but Cheetos are ORANGE… thus making your teeth orange, more or less. so, if you open your mouth at all, those puppies are like little beacons proclaiming to the world that you just had some tasty, cheesy goodness. try flossing and/or chewing gum.

Basically just be careful. Because, to reiterate, nobody wants to be around someone who just ate Cheetos. It’s a weighty decision to make. Your best bet, i’ve found, is to just enjoy them alone. And remember, although most people enjoy the sultry and crunchy goodness of Cheetos, you will be chastised and singled out if you are discovered or show any sign of having eaten Cheetos. Hopefully these tips will help you keep your dirty, orange little secret.

Of course, if you’re sick of hiding you can always turn the tables and use Cheetos as your weapon, as seen in this commercial. But, please, use caution… i’ve seen their power turn the greatest of men into nothing but overzealous criminals…

You Can Almost Taste The Dr. Pepper

Well i just read on DrudgeReport that supposedly Guns N’ Roses is talking to 2 major retailers (namely Best Buy and WalMart) about releasing their 14-year-in-the-making (and $13,000,000) studio record “Chinese Democracy” exclusively at one of the stores worldwide. Reuters explains that these are more “concrete signs” that the album will in fact come out.

One can only hope that it comes out before December 31st so that we all get a free can of Dr. Pepper. Well, everyone except for Slash, that is. But Slash doesn’t quite care. And i’m with him, because i don’t quite care either. I mean, don’t get me wrong, i enjoy Dr. Pepper as much as the next guy. But do i give a rat’s ass about “Chinese Democracy”? The answer is no, not at all. I’ll rock out to “Welcome to the Jungle” every so often if it comes on the radio. But all in all, i just don’t give a shit about Guns N’ Roses. And quite frankly, it amazes me that people want to hear this new album so bad. Does everybody love Axl Rose that much? I mean last time we saw him was at, like, the 2002 VMA’s, as far as i can remember, right? And he didn’t really sound so great, in my opinion.

So, i say great… release the album… release it soon… but only because i want my free Dr. Pepper, not because i want to hear the damn thing. If anything, i hope it totally flops and/or doesn’t really measure up to everyone’s expectations of it so that Axl Rose can get over himself and just go away.

(side note: i do not mean to offend any GNR fans nor fans of Axl Rose. if you like the band, great, but can’t we just let it go and move on already? does anyone really care that much about Chinese Democracy? i mean, really??)