The Thing About Cheetos Is…

I will be the first person to admit my love of Cheetos. But the thing about the little orange snack is that it’s really quite a dangerous decision if you choose to eat them. You see, because nobody wants to be around that person who is eating (or even just ate) Cheetos. Firstly, if they’re still chomping away, chances are that most of their existence is covered in a fine layer of orange dust, namely their finger tips. God help you if you have to shake someone’s hand in the middle of or after partaking in the Cheetos. Also, there is no clean or non-messy way to eat them, much like buffalo wings (actually, now that i think about it, most orange colored foods tend to be messy… except for carrots of course).

The other thing is that, no matter what you do, you simply cannot hide the fact that you just ate Cheetos. Somehow other people will always know. But in an attempt to help you try to get away with it, here are a few tells that give it away:

1) check your pants. the first mistake of all Cheetos lovers is wiping their orange fingers on their pants. while this is good for getting the dust off your fingertips (especially jeans) there will almost always be an orange streak or two on your pants. be sure to check all over; the backs of your thighs, the insides, behind the knees, EVERYWHERE… there’s no telling where those dirty little fingers will roam.

2) check your molars. as omnivorous creatures, usually when we chew food (in preparation for digestion) the food tends to get stuck in the backs of our molars. usually this isn’t that big of a deal, but Cheetos are ORANGE… thus making your teeth orange, more or less. so, if you open your mouth at all, those puppies are like little beacons proclaiming to the world that you just had some tasty, cheesy goodness. try flossing and/or chewing gum.

Basically just be careful. Because, to reiterate, nobody wants to be around someone who just ate Cheetos. It’s a weighty decision to make. Your best bet, i’ve found, is to just enjoy them alone. And remember, although most people enjoy the sultry and crunchy goodness of Cheetos, you will be chastised and singled out if you are discovered or show any sign of having eaten Cheetos. Hopefully these tips will help you keep your dirty, orange little secret.

Of course, if you’re sick of hiding you can always turn the tables and use Cheetos as your weapon, as seen in this commercial. But, please, use caution… i’ve seen their power turn the greatest of men into nothing but overzealous criminals…